Time, I think that I am so painfully cognizant of it because thanks to my chronic health issues I lose so much of it. Everything in my life has to be planned around those precious hours and days that are lost to the debilitating waves of pain and fatigue that repeatedly force me to take a time out.
When I see so many people blessed with the health and mental capacity to go to school and make something of themselves, yet persist in twittering away precious years wandering around like aimless nomads, my heart aches. I cannot comprehend how they happily waste the most precious gift given to mankind. How they can comfortably look themselves in the mirror knowing that they have the talent and the energy to study or work in a way that builds up society, and yet merrily chose to loaf their way through life.
Perhaps that is because for as long as I can remember my parent told me that I could become anything I chose. At every turn they encouraged me to reach for the stars and not be content to do anything but my best.
As pain and health forces me to sit on the sidelines counting down the minutes until my current time out from life comes to an end, I wonder how different my life and the life of my family would have been if I had been healthy. I wonder how many goals, that are now impossible for me to reach, might have been achieved if I had only had half the health of those who are content to view life as an endless beach party. With deep heartache I sometimes wish that life would be a little bit more fair and impart strength and energy to those who would use it and not treat it like an endless pile of worthless stock that can be brought and sold for a penny.
But sadly life does not always grant its best reserve of strength to people like me with dreams and aspirations of reaching for the stars. Instead of allowing me to fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor or even a nurse practitioner, life has chosen through hardship and frustration to give me a better understanding of the beauty of life. It has taught me to appreciate the minutes and the seconds that compose the all to short days of our lives.