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For the past few weeks, I have repeatedly sat down and tried to make a post. But even though my head is full of ideas, as soon as I sit down in front of my computer, the words seem to evaporate, and I quickly find myself mindlessly scrolling through articles I have no intention of reading, doing my best to avoid the painful memories of my first year without my head cheerleader, sounding board, and father.
He was the first one that I went to after hearing about self-publishing and when I decided that I would like to start my own You Tube Channel. When I was ready to start running Amazon Ads, he was the one who helped me with the funds. Whenever it came to major purchases or decisions on what step I should take next, it was his patient ear that I turned to. Without him I felt like a ship without a rudder struggling to weather the storm.
Over and over I felt the pang of loss as I faced a tough decision and turned to look for advice only to be greeted by his empty chair. When a bit of good news such as having 5 books sell in one day or like today when my Poetry Channel finally reached the 200-subscriber mark brought a smile to my face, how fast it faded as I realized that he was not going to be there to share in my simple joy.
Life had already brought enough lonely tears as I watched the mile markers of life pass me by. Locked away by endless days of pain and seemingly forgotten by the world at least I could count on the support of my family. And now that one support, that one precious gift that I had been blessed with, was being taken from me. Love, career, success, friendship, the satisfaction of earning my daily bread, the joy of having my own home, children, independence, and all the pleasures of adulthood had been denied me. Like a time capsule buried in the sand I had watched the years go by, yet my life had remained unchanged. I ate, I dressed, did what I could to maintain my sliver of health, put on a cheerful face, and waited for my chance to become a part of life as I had since childhood. Only now there was one less voice to celebrate the few successes and encourage me when life rained down its many disappointments.
There have been so many times this year that I could have used his help. This was the first time I reached the 500-dollar mark in books sold, and therefore had to file taxes. But what form did I need? Where did I pick it up? Should I buy this program? What did he think about this coloring pack? Which item should I cut from the budget to save money? Was it time to start an Etsy Shop or should I wait a little longer?
Even a simple thing like creating a journal has not been without its share of tears. My father was a man of humor. He loved to laugh and tease. Before he died this sense of humor had been the inspiration for a line of journals about No Worries My body is Here but my Head is Safely Back in Bed.
I had created several different covers based upon this theme like No Worries My Body is Here But My Head is in Outer Space,
But after he died, I got the idea for another type of No Worries serries that I really think he would have liked called, No Worries I Know Exactly What I’m Doing. When I published the first cover in that series it was so hard to look over at that empty chair and wish that I could see his reaction to that cover.
Then just before the holidays, while playing with my dog I thought of a line that I knew would be perfect for a Happy journal entitled, I Promise to Tell the Truth.
I know that he would have enjoyed the subtle humor and how it perfectly fit our food loving Happy pup.
As stressful as the financial fallout from his death has been, nothing compares to the loss of those priceless and all too rare moments of celebration and joy. It is the first mile marker of many, and one that I had always hoped would never come.