Posted in life, Thoughts, Uncategorized

A Tough Milestone

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For the past few weeks, I have repeatedly sat down and tried to make a post. But even though my head is full of ideas, as soon as I sit down in front of my computer, the words seem to evaporate, and I quickly find myself mindlessly scrolling through articles I have no intention of reading, doing my best to avoid the painful memories of my first year without my head cheerleader, sounding board, and father.

He was the first one that I went to after hearing about self-publishing and when I decided that I would like to start my own You Tube Channel. When I was ready to start running Amazon Ads, he was the one who helped me with the funds. Whenever it came to major purchases or decisions on what step I should take next, it was his patient ear that I turned to. Without him I felt like a ship without a rudder struggling to weather the storm.

Over and over I felt the pang of loss as I faced a tough decision and turned to look for advice only to be greeted by his empty chair. When a bit of good news such as having 5 books sell in one day or like today when my Poetry Channel finally reached the 200-subscriber mark brought a smile to my face, how fast it faded as I realized that he was not going to be there to share in my simple joy.

Life had already brought enough lonely tears as I watched the mile markers of life pass me by. Locked away by endless days of pain and seemingly forgotten by the world at least I could count on the support of my family. And now that one support, that one precious gift that I had been blessed with, was being taken from me. Love, career, success, friendship, the satisfaction of earning my daily bread, the joy of having my own home, children, independence, and all the pleasures of adulthood had been denied me. Like a time capsule buried in the sand I had watched the years go by, yet my life had remained unchanged. I ate, I dressed, did what I could to maintain my sliver of health, put on a cheerful face, and waited for my chance to become a part of life as I had since childhood. Only now there was one less voice to celebrate the few successes and encourage me when life rained down its many disappointments.

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Posted in life, Poems Begining with A, Poetry, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Summer: Days of Joy Days of Frustration

Summer, that great time of year when warm breezes blow and sunny days beckon one and all to roam a vibrant green world as busy birds flutter through the trees singing their merry song of life.  Where visions of melodic waves crashing against the shore and refreshing dips in cool ocean waters fill the imagination.

But for me summer is a time of frustration. As the thermostat rises and the humidity climbs so does the deep ache in my bones. Instead of lounging in a chair by the refreshing waters of a crystal clear pool, summer finds me curled up in a tight ball with a steam of tears threatening to run down my pain contorted cheeks. And in sorrow I watch from the sidelines as the days of summer slip away, never to return.

Frustrated I dream of long walks by the ocean, and of typing by the pool as I sip a refreshing glass of ice cold pineapple fruit shake. My hot brow desperate wishing for the chance to cool off in a shady corner of the pool, even though I know that my achy bones would never allow it.

Haunted by images of the life I long for and worn out by the increasingly debilitating ache that sores with the thermometer, disappointment threatens to engulf me. Oh how I long for a normal life, to know the joy of living with strength and purpose instead of tip toeing around my endless discomfort. As I look at my empty platter and think about how empty my life is of the active joy that I long for, a deep depression threatens to take hold.

But it is at this moment that God in His mercy steps in. With tender love He points my throbbing head upward and reminds me that trying as these days of frustration are, this need not be my unhappy end.With love he reminds me of the promise that one day soon I may rise like a mighty eagle unhampered by the chains of pain that currently hold me back.

Slowly, as I take my eyes off my current suffering and by faith behold the glorious days of promise, my frustration gives way to joy. And although pain still racks my body, my heart begins to sing songs of praise. As my imagination is carried past the fleeting dreams of an earthly summer and carried to that which shall stand the test of time. No longer concentrating upon the sorrow of having been born into a world of pain,  I look ahead to that precious day when the clouds do part to reveal a vast host of angels whose song makes the world to tremble. And at last my weary burdens I shall be able to put down, as with the freedom of endless youth I bounce, and a heart filled with joy I fall before my Redeemer and pour out my soul in gratitude that my days of pain and heartache He melted away and transformed into the wonder of the dawn of endless, pain free youth!

 

 

 

Posted in life, Uncategorized

ODE TO A FAITHFUL NATASHA DOG

I came across this poem the other day and it brought back so many memories.  My family was privileged to have Natasha in our lives for  9 wonderful years.  Like my adorable little Happy, she slept on a pillow in the corner of my room and followed me wherever I went. She was a wonderful friend and faithful companion. More than once my special pup had found a way to alert my parents to the fact that I was in need of medical care. One time she spent over an hour going from the front window over to my Father, then over to me to smell my breath, before heading back to the window.  When my Father figured out that she was trying to tell us that something was seriously wrong and called 911, I had to be rushed to the nearest hospital because my blood pressure and pulse were both over 200. Or the time she cried mum with such pathos that I knew my Mother needed to go to the ER, and ended up spending a week in the hospital because she had water building in her lungs

There is so much more that I would love to say about my special dog.  How she loved to sneak bones out of the box when we were gone.  Not so she could eat them, but so she could hide them in the sofa, chairs, or even our made beds so we could find them and play a game of chase with her when we returned. How like Happy, she found joy in startling my mother. Of the time she gave us a fright when she found my plate of chocolate chip cookies and ate every last one when no one was looking, the way she hated riding past run down homes, and the proud smile on her face when we finally moved into our dream home.

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