Author: katherinebrianneparilli

I really enjoyed making this video, except for one thing, it made me miss our house with our little garden and handful of fruit trees. When rising cost made it impossible for my mother, sister, and I to afford our home after my father passed away, we hoped that it would only be a few months or at wort a year and a half before we found a new place to live. Sadly, last month was the 2 year mark there is no end in sight.

Finding a permeant home where we can have a little garden, fruit trees, grape vines, and some chickens now feels like an impossible dream. Sometimes at night, when I am struggling to find a comfortable corner on the rock-hard sofa, I find myself asking God why? Why, when I have tried so hard, when I have used every ounce of my feeble power to do what little I can to earn my own bread, has success been withheld from me. Why, when there were many in my class who were blessed with health, yet who did half the work I did, were blessed with nearly everything that they desired, while I pushed until my muscles failed me and I could not rise from bed, yet not one dream has been granted me.

It was hard enough when my father was alive. And we had his strong arm to lean upon. But now, when we have been deprived of his aid and comfort, and the only reason that we are not on the street is due to the kindness of my uncle, it has become a tearing thorn in the side.

It would be one thing if due to my poor health I had folded up my hands and rested upon my painful laurels and turned my back upon any and every effort of life. Comforting myself with the thought that because I was sick and weak, I need not try but satisfy my soul with watching the flickering screen.

But that is not what I did. Despite the pain, the fatigue, and allergies that caused me to go all day without food I pushed myself to go to school. Sometimes the pain got so bad that I had to drop a class, sometimes I got so weak that I had to be wheeled from class to class, and sadly there were times that I could not even climb out of bed and had to skip a semester. But in spite of the struggle, I pushed myself until I could push no more. But not before I received my hard-won AA degree. Satisfying, but hardly a door opener for a job that my pain ridden body could handle.

When I could no longer go to school I started on KDP and Etsy. And even though I have given it my 110 percent, it has gone nowhere. Yes, I have managed to sell a few books, activity packs, and even some t-shirts and stickers. But even though I have made some sells, most months I do not sell enough to buy a pizza, never mind a house with a garden.

It has been like a knife in the heart, twisting and tearing as I think about how much my parents gave up trying to get me on my feet. Willingly spending thousands of dollars on medicine and doctors hoping to find out what was wrong so I could have a life. Paying for much of my school because I could not qualify for aid because being sick did not qualify for getting aid like being an unwed mother.

And now, when I should be a source of relief and comfort to my mother. Repaying her years of sacrifice with a secure roof and warm bed, I can do nothing. Sadly, while I enjoyed making this video, it reminded me that despite in spite of spending years using every ounce of strength I had to strive to stand upon my own two feet so that I might at last earn my own bread, I have gotten nowhere. I am still 100 percent dependent upon the kindness of others to keep me off the street.

Sometimes in the quiet of the night, when no one is around, I ask the Lord why. Why is that nothing I try works? Why can I not be the source of comfort that I long to be for my hard-working mother by giving her the secure shelter that she needs and deserves.

While I do not have the full answer for why almost all of my hopes and dreams have failed, why all the dearest hopes and dreams of life have been allowed to pass me by, one thing has become clearer and clearer. And that is that God is preparing us for something. Whether it is to stand for Him in the final moments of this earth’s history, I do not know. But every trial, every heart ache, has been a tool to pull out this weed or to soften this hard edge. Little by little He is teaching us patience, softening our tempers, and showing us that no matter what, he has not left us to fight alone.