It is funny, at night my head is full of things that I long to write. Things that it feels are so important to share that it takes my sleep away. But strangely, in the morning when I sit down in front of my computer or grab a note pad to jot down a few important notes, the whole thing vanishes from my mind like a forgotten dream.
I often wondered why it was that so many of the musings of the night melted in daylight like cold butter on a boiling fry pan. And while I have never come up with a solid conclusion I have determined that it is due in part to our natural tendency to protect ourselves from pain.
Under the protecting blanket of night we are free to think, to ponder, to wonder without fear of laying ourselves to open to scrutiny of potentially unfriendly eyes. In the night we are free to think in ways that are impossible under the scrutinizing flashlight of day. Where hundreds of eyes are around to see the variations in completion or detect our troubled gaze.
And in the morning when we sit down to transcribe those thoughts, we see how transparent the curtain of self has become. We realize that if we are to share with the world these inner musings, that we are throwing open a window by which all will have access to the inner recess of our hearts, and we instinctively pull back in fear. Anxious that the world will think us silly, foolish, idealistic, unrealistic, or impractical. Troubled by the thought that upon looking, we will be labeled childish, overly imaginative, impractical, nonsensical, or worse. Seeking to avoid the hurt we protectively pull back the curtain to keep the world at bay. Hiding our inner selves from one and all lest we detect an unfriendly glance or most endure a cutting remark.
Whether this is the whole or part of why my seemingly pressing thoughts vanish with the rise of the sun, I cannot say. But sadly, I know that there have been times that I have begun to put my thoughts on papers, when feeling their boldness, recognizing in them some raw emotion, I have been guilty of taking a step back and closing the shades to avoid the risk that come with letting anyone get to close.